When you ________, I feel _________, because________. I need you to ________________, please.Â
Having trouble communicating with someone? Most of us have heard about using “I” statements for conflict resolution. Our students grow up at Rainbow learning how to recognize their feelings and how to express themselves compassionately, yet firmly. In many cases, they are better at it than adults.Â
Recently, the faculty had two opportunites to learn more about healthy communication and conflict resolution, both so we can teach it to our students and for our own personal and professional growth. Jerry Donoghue led a Compassionate Communication training at our faculty retreat in August, and in September, Rachelle Sorensen-Cox, from Girls on the Run, incorporated communication issues into her ADHD training. Rachelle taught us the “When you-I feel-because-I need you to… please” technique. The Girls on the Run program teaches this technique to girls in third through eighth grade.
Try it out, and you will find it really works. Why? Because it requires the speaker to identify what their true feelings are and what their needs are, without blaming anyone. As Jerry Donoghue puts it, “Most people are living in a right/wrong paradigm. Compassionate Communication gets us out of the ‘I’m right and your wrong’ mindset, and helps us communicate about what the true issues are, so we can solve problems.”
By the way, we learned in Compassionate Communication the difference between feelings and verbs. For example, If you were to say, ” I feel judged.” That isn’t a feeling, per se. Why not?  Your main clue is that judged is a verb. What you are really doing is accusing the listener of  judging, or of being judgemental, so it’s not really an “I” statement. Whereas, if you say you feel uncomfortable, that is an emotion.Â
Social and emotional intelligence is the key to successful friendships, relationships, and careers. As we learn to develop new communication habits as adults, hopefully, our children will learn from our example, and they won’t have to unlearn poor habits later on. To learn more about Compassionate Communcation visit www.cnvc.org.
